Although I am a Clinical Psychologist, I am writing from the perspective of a woman, wife of 15 years, and mother who has experienced many joys, as well as disappointments and struggles in marriage. I hope that sharing my personal experiences will resonate with you, and that it might provide sufficient inspiration and guidance to give hope and direction to someone else on this journey.
Neither my husband nor I were fortunate to have grown up in families with strong models for a loving marriage. Entering marriage, we knew that we did not want our parents’ marriages, but we lacked sufficient knowledge of how to be good spouses and love one another as Christ intended.
This became most apparent after our children were born, and our ways of being in relationship with one another no longer worked. One day I simply told God that I had tried everything I could think of and was out of ideas. I handed it over to Him. I truly emptied myself to Him and placed my relationship in His hands. Now I know that that is the moment that God was waiting for, and He truly did take over from there. His first move was to work on me. He first humbled me by showing me my “plank,”’ which was my contributions to the relationship challenges. He guided me in my own personal growth, and gave me the daily strength to make these changes as I certainly would not have had the wisdom or courage to undertake them on my own.
Here are a few lessons I have learned on my journey:
- We are called to be peace makers, not peace keepers. Living in peace is not merely the absence of conflict, but is a sense of well being and harmony between individuals. This might mean addressing problems that have been ignored in order to truly establish peace and harmony in the family. Ask God to stay in your heart and on your lips during every encounter with your spouse so that your words will promote love.
- Trust God. His ways are higher than ours. He knows us better than we know ourselves and He, in all of his wisdom and goodness, can and will guide us on the path that he intends for us. God knows what we need, but he also respectful enough of us to not impose His will. He answers our prayers when we ask Him to enter our heart and change us.
- Thank God for the struggles. God allows challenges to come into our lives so that through them we can be refined. Every struggle we face, and particularly every challenge in a relationship, offers us an opportunity to grow in some way. I can say that despite the pain and sorrow I have experienced, God has used this experience to make me a more wise and loving person, and has taught me to depend on Him.
- Pride keeps us stuck. God revealed to me how I really am, not as I would like to see myself. Even those qualities I thought were admirable, God showed me how I was misusing them to hide behind a façade of goodness and even self-righteousness. A quote from the book Crucial Conversations (Patterson,Grenny, McMillan & Switzler, 2011) sticks with me and I use it often when I slip back into this prideful way of thinking, “Lord, help me to forgive those who sin differently than I do.”
- Pray. Rely on God for your daily strength. Ask for His wisdom to guide you. Ask again and again. God never exhausts of hearing our requests. I love the serenity prayer from Niebuhr.
- Seek out a new perspective. Professional counselors, pastors, trustworthy authors all have knowledge about relationships and can provide you with a new perspective. Hearing another perspective might offer you a new strategy for tackling old problems. I have found many wise authors who have provided me with insights and practical suggestions for how to improve myself in my marriage. A few of my favorites from whom I have found guidance and inspiration are Gary Chapman, Cloud & Townsend, and Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler. Each of them has several books on communication and relationship topics.
- One person can change the relationship. You might be thinking that your spouse needs to join you in this work. Not so. As one person in the relationship approaches their partner, and the relationship, in a different way tremendous change can happen. If your positive changes are met with resistance, seek the support and guidance of family, friends, or a counseling professional to support you on your path to a better marriage.
May God bless you and your marriage.
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Lisa Macdonald balances her time not only working as a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Southern California but as a wife, mother, and friend where she is active in both her local parish and MOPS group.
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