HSN: Keeping the Fires Burning after Kids and Minivans by James

Photo Courtesy of Salon.com

Today, July 13, is K’s and my 11th wedding anniversary.

Romance is easy when you’re young and newly married, but family life may have left you feeling more like co-workers and less like lovers.

So here’s some tips to keep the fires burning in your marriage even after kids and minivans.

* Make time for each other.

Problem: Family life is busy. With work and school and activities and household chores and all the other millions of things you do, it seems like you never have a moment alone. When you do finally get a few moments together in the bedroom…you collapse and fall asleep.

Solution: When a couple claims they don’t have time for each other, it usually means that they aren’t recognizing just how important time together is for their marriage. They’re putting everything else first and each other last. Not surprisingly, this is a great way to kill passion in a marriage.

Decide that you will make time for each other a priority, and that if you’re too busy, something else will get dropped off the list. You might finding yourself eating on paper plates more often or lowering your standards for “clean clothes”, but you’ll get a happier spouse and a have a great time together. Worth it? Definitely.

When it comes to chores, why not get a two-for-one by doing them together? No reason why you can’t have a conversation while folding the laundry. You can also work as a team to cook dinner together.

Make sure time together stays a priority by scheduling it. Scheduling “alone time” may not sound romantic, but it’s effective. You may find that anticipation can be just as exciting as spontaneity.

Finally, get the TV OUT of the bedroom! It’s a time killer and an intimacy killer. As my wife likes to say, “Turn off the TV and turn ON your spouse.”

* Appreciate each other.

Problem: After you’ve been married for awhile, it’s easy to take each other for granted. Everybody’s life is busy. It’s easy to think of each other as “the maid”, “the paycheck”, “the nanny”, or “the handyman”. It’s easy for couples to get complacent, and complacency kills passion.

Solution: The best way to fight complacency is to remember the little things that show your spouse you appreciate them.

Make a habit of it showing each other you care. For example, no matter how busy or rushed we are, we always take the time to kiss each other goodbye in the mornings. This is our little ritual that begins the day by reminding us of how much we treasure each other and how important we are to each other. Other ideas are to greet each other when you both come home, kiss goodnight, leave “love notes” or other tokens of appreciation.

Finally, remember thank each other for all that you do in your marriage. It may seem silly at first, but a simple “thank you” is one of the easiest ways to show gratitude.

* Develop intimacy outside the bedroom.

Problem: Sex is still a part of your relationship, but it seems like the only part of your relationship. You come together in the bedroom, but outside of it, you’re largely living separate lives. You feel more like “roommates with benefits” than lovers, and, let’s face it, “roommates with benefits” isn’t very sexy. Even this area of your marriage that once worked so well, is starting to become strained.

Solution: When a great sex life becomes not-so-great, the problem usually isn’t the sex. The parts still work and you haven’t forgotten how to use them. Instead, what is missing is the intimacy and friendship that was there early in the relationship.

Couples generally order soma online cod don’t get married because their bodies work well together. Couples get married because they have an intimate friendship that they want to turn into a lifelong partnership. (NB: Waiting until marriage for sex prevents unmarried couples from confusing the two.) The friendship builds the desire and sustains the relationship, even when the raging hormones and thrills of sexual activity have faded away. When the friendship declines, the desire often follows.

Couples who use Natural Family Planning often find that the periods of abstinence in the method give them an opportunity to develop this intimacy. Additionally, using NFP allows couples to avoid the libido-killing artificial hormones in birth control pills and similar contraceptives.

According to Dr. Thomas Hilgers, developer of the Creighton Model Fertility Care System, the acronym “S-P-I-C-E” serves as a guide to help couples fully develop their sexuality, building intimacy and friendship throughout their relationship, not just in the bedroom.

S represents Spiritual sharing, expressed through praying together or meditation.

P represents the Physical, expressed through closeness, including cuddling and non-sexual touch.

I represents the Intellectual, expressed through sharing a project, a book or new learning.

C represents the Communicative/Creative and is expressed through an increase in written or verbal communication or other shared activities.

E represents the Emotional and can be expressed through sharing feelings, desires and humor.

Another easy way to build intimacy is to simply act like kids and play. Doing something fun with your spouse is a simple way to build intimacy, improve communication, relieve stress, resolve conflicts, and have a good time together. When you’re relaxed and happy and having fun together, that’s when the sparks start to fly again.

* Just Do It!

Problem: You’re not having enough sex!

Solution: Sex is fun and a great way to bond! So just do it!

For the ladies: You don’t need a perfect body. You don’t need perfect romance. You don’t need to have perfect technique. All you husband wants is you, alone, wearing only a smile!

Even if you aren’t “in the mood”, you may find that you get into the mood as things get going. You may find that the lovemaking process builds arousal and interest that wasn’t there at the start. Many women report enjoying encounters that they may not have had much interest in in the start. Allow your body to respond and allow your husband to help you find that interest.

For the gentlemen: It’s your job to make sure that she gets “in the mood”. It’s not about YOU it’s about BOTH of you. The more she equates sex with a good time, the more she’ll want to have.

Sometimes, it’s the husband who is less interested in sex. Once again, guys, sex isn’t just for you, it’s for BOTH of you. Sex is as important to wives as it is to husbands. If you’re the one who’s not interested, try saying “yes” to pleasure her for her sake. Odds are that pleasuring her will cause your, umm, interest to rise, leading to an enjoyable encounter for both of you.

Conclusion